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The Young Muse
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| How pathetic a title I know... but for the first time ever I went out on a Friday night with friends that were not met through Cam. A couple of the guys from work took me out drinking on Friday night (after I locked myself in my office for an entire afternoon to avoid my boss - but that's an entirely different post). It was great! It was fun, there was no preconceived ideas of how I should act, or who I shouldn't flirt with because it would get back to him. I am hoping that I can do it again some time soon! We didn't even really drink that much - well I should say I didn't, everybody else's cheeks were pretty pink and not from the cold.
It also gave me a different perspective on Calgary itself. I haven't partied in Calgary since the first year I moved here... and even then it was a different scene, and I couldn't imagine myself enjoying it again. But we went downtown, and the group of people I was with weren't about causing fights, or getting out of hand drunk. It was a really positive feeling at the end of the night. Plus, I even took public transportation - a first in a long time - okay buses still suck! But.... it reminded me of Eastwood days! Or even Shoppers Drug Mart at 3am days. I haven't felt happy like that in years. I know I can't go back to THAT life...but to feel some of the happiness I felt in those days was phenomenally uplifting. In fact, I am considering maybe looking at some places in Calgary now, just to have the opportunity to experience more fun times like this. I knew that I was missing something out here, and I know I will never replace the ultimately happy feelings I had when I was younger, but just maybe I could find some "real" friends my own age here and feel like I am living a life appropriate for my age. Although, as I say this I feel hypocritical against the real friends I do have here...I love hanging out with them but sometimes a Friday night needs to be more than sitting around playing cards with married couples and an ex-boyfriend?!?! Plus, the people that I did go out with last Friday are right in my age bracket, and at about the same point in life as me....recently graduated (or still in school), student loans, apartments that suffice but are not the end dream, and well I guess the main thing is that they are still NOT married (even if they are engaged-lol). It makes a difference I think. And they are not people who secretly think that I am going to get back together with Cam.
Anyways, it was a nice time. I'm really glad that I went, and I look forward to doing it again sometime. Maybe next time...there might even be a cute guy there...who is interested in going to see movies, or going for supper... or whatever!
YAY TO NEW FRIENDS!!!! (Although they will never replace the old ones - :) ) | comments: dare to be inspired   |
| Here's the funny thing... I keep finding myself returning to him and I actually think it is because I know that he is not right for me. But damn does he know how to fill in the right now part. It even goes almost as far as he is insulting for me, but I find myself attracted to it...and always under the context of I am just using him for sex! ;) ;) Riiight! I am only fooling myself then, because desperately I want him to ask me for supper. But on the other hand, I am intrigued by the secrecy of driving up to his house at 3 in the morning and driving off so noone knows what we are up to! I don't know, I find myself involving emotions which is completely wrong....and almost feel insulted that we are keeping this a secret. The last two times we've gotten together we haven't been able to go back to his place because there were people there, but c'mon really if they are as drunk as they probably are, they probably won't remember. However, I completely understand on the other side of things not wanting to piss Cam off because you're sleeping with his ex-girlfriend that he still cares about.
Anyways, so this weekend, we ended up going to rent a hotel room because we couldn't go to his place, and well I just don't think that my apartment building can handle the very long night that was sure to follow. It was another fun-filled evening ending sometime between 7 and 8 in the morning. When we woke up the following morning, there was another round of fun, and a little cuddling. But when we left the hotel, it was quiet on the way home. I dunno if it was the fact that he had a pounding headache, and the gross coffee I drank in the room was not agreeing with my stomache, but the conversation was minimal. I'm not asking for marriage and kids (not yet - just kidding really I'm not ready for it right now), just maybe a few dates - movies are great...and dark if we felt so inclined! :) Which is so wrong and I can't believe I am even voicing it. But that brings me back to my other thought....am I attracted to him and want more because I know there is no more there to have? We went into this with the agreement that it was not going to develop into anything else, and I know that he is still at that level.
Argggg....men are so frustrating...and yet thank goodness they are not like women or this could get even worse! :) I just think that I'll have to let things happen as they happen. At this point, I know that the ball is in my court, but if I try anything it could backfire, so holding off any more thoughts is my best choice. | | comments: dare to be inspired |
| Current Music: | Crushingly Closer - NIN / Crush | | Subject: | SEWWLMTU | | Time: | 12:16 pm | | Current Mood: | reflective |
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| I had a run in with this boy again on Saturday. I was very very drunk and partially wish my cell phone hadn't worked when I dialed those numbers. Not that there are any complaints really...he performed what I called him for (in the park, the walkway, and every other partially covered area between). But it's so dangerous to be soooo drunk around those who can play a heavy influence in your life. I know that I acted in a manner that I now wish I could have taken back...admitting to him that I do sorely enjoy what he does for me...and look forward to future rendezvous! I shouldn't have revealed the eagerness I feel to seeing him again... and yet really without saying anything I am sure that he knew it anyways. And he does answer my calls, so there must be some inner desire there from him. But the way he plays around with me, he knows I am practically a step away from begging if he walks away. Although if I were sober, I wouldn't let myself beg for him. I have called him on that flirty refusal to admit that he wants of me as much as I want of him, and he comes back. It's such a delicate balance though between the two of us to not allow this to exceed the emotional capacity we are willing to put into this. And I also believe that this was demonstrated on Saturday night as well in another capacity because he somehow admitted to knowing about ACWHFMFFY (I don't remember bringing it up but he swears he guessed it from something I said). He didn't seem upset about it, but he did ask me questions (although I didn't answer any of them - other than the shocked surprise of how this conversation came about and clearly my inability to cover this shock with denying any truth in the assumption). And yet as intrigued as he was this conversation, I find that I was intrigued with his reaction. I think that I may have swayed my feelings of who to get involved with at this time because the more I think about it, I know I was leaning towards ACWHFMFFY (Awesome Cuddler Who Has Fed My Fantasies For Years) in my last posting but am I really ready for what I want from him? Because if I get involved with him again, it won't be about another night of passion, it will be involving my life with his. And I really think that at this point, I am interested in pursuing a purely physical relationship with SEWWLMTU. But I really believe that he can lead me down a road of intense growth personally in the bedroom. Is this not the time in my life where I should experiment and gain experience in understanding my wants/desires/capabilities?
Besides, emotionally, I am really not sure I could go where a relationship would take me... I know I can handle the boundaries of what SEWWLMTU is willing to offer me.
After going back and reading through this posting though, maybe I am looking for more than just purely physical involvement with SEWWLMTU, not much more than this, but with the boundary of exclusivity. If I am going to let myself bare things about me to grow with him, I don't want it shared with anyone. I don't expect a lifetime commitment from him, but maybe something more than an occasional call about when the drinks have been flowing. | | comments: dare to be inspired |
| Sexual Explorer Who Will Lead Me To Utopia
vs.
Amazing Cuddler Who Has Fed My Fantasies For Years
Again...an attack of let's analyze everything to death! ;)
S.E.W.W.L.M.T.U.
We've had two rendez vous' and both have been mind blowing! Hours of foreplay/sex/showers etc wrapped up together...with just enough of a push to make me feel sexy and want to continue exploring. He's tall, dark, and handsome...I think maybe part Indian, and he has eyes that smile at you from across the room. He's got a great job (in fact he works a lot of hours - most Saturdays) and he makes great money and isn't afraid to spend it without going over the top. When he kisses, he makes it feel like he is sooo hungry for my affection (I might need dental work if we dated long term - from the aggressive lunge to try to consume as much of me in one kiss as possible without it being gross). He listens when I ask him to do something...and remembers it later on (and uses it). He's very generous with his pleasure skills, before his own. He likes to look at me, and watches me, and normally that would make me feel self-conscious but when he does it, the words that he says and the way he watches me...it makes me feel sexy...desirable...hell when he's looking at me that way I have to be careful to what I agree to! He lives on his own (or relatively speaking, he rents a house with a friend). But here's the drawback...no license...and as far as I know - no desire to have one. This wouldn't be a big problem, except we live in Langdon...you are screwed with no transportation, because then dependancy issues come from that! Hmm... I think there is more I could write here, on the good and bad of him but then I wouldn't have any room left for Bachelor #2....
A.C.W.H.F.M.F.F.Y.
He has been the object of my desires for years now...although until recently I will deny that! He is tall (well a few inches taller than me), dark and handsome (but white skinned). He has dark curls...and while I complain about my curls, I love them on him and would love them on my kids!Oh - I think we may have just identified my dream type! He knows he's good looking, but doesn't use it negatively...maybe to charm some of the cougars on a Friday night of fun at the bar. His smile warms you up when you are feeling down, and he has the ability to set you on fire with a look when he chooses too, but discreetly so you are left feeling that surely everybody must see the flush in your cheek, but no one is the wiser than the two of you. He can sing...my goodness can he sing, and we sing duets, and I feel his warmth radiate towards me on stage, and I know he moves closer on purpose, although I am curious to see if he will again on Saturday night. There were times that he looked into my eyes when he sang and I had to reel myself back to reality and remind myself that I wasn't his and he wasn't mine. When we finally got together last weekend, he brought me to his parents house (okay one set back), and leaned me into the couch and kissed me, gently and yet I felt the passion in that kiss. It was hungry in a gentle way, and then he moved for my neck. Oh boy he found the sweet spot, like he was drawn to it. Perhaps not as experimental as the other, but just as good. Not as long...but we were both drunk...so there's some influence in that. It was still wonderful...satisfying! And then he cuddled me, and this is where he takes the lead. The way his hands touch my body, there is an intensity in his touch. And it doesn't matter if he is simply reaching for my hand, brushing hair out of my face, or running his fingers across my back. He drives me crazy! Hell he could wave his hands above me and it drives me crazy! My body just reacts like that too him. Or he lies spooned behind me, and breathes ever so softly on my neck and my body is in shivers. And he just seems so comfy wrapping himself around me. And so content to tease my body into a frenzy! He has a fairly healthy relationship with his parents, and is only living there to prepare himself financially. He's got a great job with stability, and sees himself in the sense of career versus job. He also is trying to line up his credit so he can get approved for a mortgage. He has a car...it's a little scary...but he owes no money on it...and will upgrade in the future. And he loves children..has some nieces and nephews that he dotes on...and takes the time to do the little things that will make them happiest. And he does things like this with me..subtle things that aren't really noticed but upon reflection make you stop and think. Like at karaoke, everybody asks him to sing different songs, but if I ask for one song, he'll sing it for me...and not choose any other songs from anybody else. Or he will pour me a beer if my glass is empty, but not fill any other glass. Little things...gentlemany things...and it makes me smile.
I guess this is enough of a start. I can always add more later...and as I think of things I am sure I will have more posts. I restrained myself from a lot of other influencing factors joining this debate, and tried to keep it to simple comparison of person. Any thoughts feel free to say something...otherwise just enjoy my overworked brains! | | comments: dare to be inspired |
| Current Music: | Wicked Games - Chris Isaac | | Subject: | Top 10 sexy songs | | Time: | 04:23 pm | | Current Mood: | flirty |
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| I'm sure we all have our different tastes...but what are the top 10 songs that get you in the mood!
I will post mine tomorrow. | | comments: dare to be inspired |
| This week seems to be taking forever to pass...and it's only Tuesday. I'm not sure how I am going to make it through until Friday. Although, what Friday is supposed to bring...I'm not entirely sure! If it is anything like the last few weekends...it's probably safer for me to tough out for the weekdays! :)
I know I have to start getting ready to move back in with the ex. I think we have made a lot of progress on actually interacting with each other without either hating each other...or me having to repeat that "we are only friends now". I have to admit though that part of me is warning myself that it is not a smart move....like the premonition of bad things to come. However, I've decided to swallow that warning and just go ahead with things. It might get complicated when I want to invite someone over.... and that comes from both angles....Cam (the ex)...and actually convincing someone who knows us both (small town) to come to my bedroom with Cam only five feet away.
I don't know...nothing I have time to contemplate further today. I'll roll it around the noggin a few more times...I'm sure if I think it to death I'll find the proper solution! | | comments: dare to be inspired |
| Saturday night I hooked up with a guy I swore would only be a one night stand for the second time. It was just as amazing as the last round...if not better because we both knew we didn't have to work in the morning. Unfortunately, this also resulted in my sleeping in well past his roommates getting up the morning. Now it's not that I actually did anything wrong...in fact I'm single, he's single...there really shouldn't be anything wrong with picture. Except that he is a mutual friend of mine and my ex's (7 year relationship recently ended), and we live in a very small town where word travels faster than the speed of light. Anyways, so the knock comes..."hey...whoever's car is parked outside, you need to move it" Shit...Will looks at me and gets up and goes to the washroom. I get dressed while he's gone and try to figure out if there is anyway I can just reappear in my car and be gone from there. But it gets better...there's a welcoming crowd for me in the living room. Thankfully, Will went to the bathroom first, and saw everyone out there. I contemplated walking out there with a "damn right I enjoyed myself" look on my face but instead, like a sulking child, I went out the backdoor with him and made a hasty retreat to my car.
There is a minuscule chance that they all have forgot what my car looks like, and word won't go back to my ex...and by minuscule I mean that they all suffer lobotomies to extract my car's description from their brains. I know this shouldn't bother me, but my ex is still really broken up about me leaving him and I don't really want him to suffer anymore...especially knowing that it's our mutual friend. And I'm fairly certain it's going to kill him more knowing that it is purely a sex thing between Will and I.
Anyways, I usually hear from the ex every few days just to say hi, and as of yet it has been silent since Friday. I'm not sure how to respond to him if he does ask me when he does call. I mean I'm not going to lie, but maybe just leaving it at "we're split, so what I chose to do isn't your business anymore". I don't know. I just don't want to hurt him any further...but at the same time you know what I kept myself unhappy for so long at the expense of hurting his feelings...that maybe it is time for me to just stop worrying about him.
Oh well...Saturday night was wonderful! I guess I should stop complaining! | | comments: dare to be inspired |
| Elsewhere
I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand... | | comments: dare to be inspired |
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The Young Muse
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